Shadows and Suffering

Robert Irwin is an artist who incorporates the tension between light and shadows in his works. One of his works in currently on display at the Modern Art Museum of Fort Worth. It is a white translucent hemisphere of plastic extended from a white wall with lights beaming on it. The thing that struck me is that the shadows define the piece. While the light is the primary focus, you would not see the piece at all if the shadows weren't there.

Suffering is like those shadows. Somehow the hard times, the sadness, and the sorrows of life can lead us to a deeper understanding of ourselves, our world and our God. Suffering provides the shadows that define the light, the goodness and the hope that give our lives dimension and meaning. Without those shadows we would be flat, shallow people.

That is not to say we should wish for suffering or to allow ourselves to be bogged down in it. But with the help of God, we should embrace it, learn from it and allow the experience to bring forth the Light that is within us.

Simple Things

Today was Wesley last day of school. School was dismissed at 10 a.m. after an end-of-year-awards ceremony. We scheduled a party with a few of Wesley's friends. I had a hard time deciding where would be the best place to hold the party. Our backyard would be the easiest and least expensive. But I feared that it wouldn't be entertaining enough for the kids. So I considered going to Pump It Up or the Main Event but I couldn't justify the expense. So we planned it for our backyard but I still worried that the kids would be disappointed that all we had to offer was pizza, snow cones, and a wide-open backyard with no play equipment.

Well, was I wrong! They didn't care that there wasn't any organized activity or a fancy jungle gym. They just played their own made up games and had a blast. But most of all they enjoyed being with one another.

It reminds me that just being with people can be so rewarding. While the kids were playing, the mothers sat and talked to one another. Today the bonds of friendships between the kids and the mothers became stronger. All due to a simple party in our backyard.

Boxed-in

My house is surrounded by hedges of boxwood. They are healthy well-established shrubs that will probably last for years and I should be very happy with them.

But I'm not! They make me feel, well...boxed-in. Their evenly-trimmed square shape gives the feeling of tightness and ridged conformity. They convey closedness not the openness I'm trying to live. I have lovely windows that open out into the world and let light in but when I look out I see these shrubs that make me feel constricted.

I'd like to get rid of them and plant something with a more free-form shape. Or several different plants that would bring in some interesting diversity. But it seems wasteful to dig up these healthy plants and a needless cost to try to replace them.

So I guess I'll learn to live with them for now. This will give me some practice in accepting things as they are and perhaps I can transfer the learning experience to my relationship with some people in my life who I feel are ridged and boxed-in. If I can accept the shrubs why not those people--both are glorious creations of God.

Spring Renewal

A couple of weeks ago I hung a small bird feeder on my front porch. I was afraid that it was too close to a large bay window and that the birds wouldn't come to it. But they immediately started using it. I've enjoyed watching the sparrows and house finches feed from the feeder and also sit in the shrubs outside the window and hop around on the front porch.

Spring is here. After last week's very needed rain, this week has been pleasant and full of sunshine. A wonderful week for Spring Break.

The beautiful weather coupled with a spiritual renewal has led me to begin organizing my house. I started with the piles of clutter around my computer table and bill paying desk. Then today I finally got my sewing/craft room organized. I unpacked boxes and cleared out enough stuff that I can actually do some sewing. I'm looking forward to delving into some creative endeavors that I've been longing to do.

I hope I can continue to eliminate the clutter in my life and to focus less on acquiring things and more on developing relationships with others and with God.

Purple Shoes, Pipe Wrenches and Resurrections, Oh My!

Over the weekend I bought a pair of shiny purple shoes and a pipe wrench.

Two years ago I would have never dreamed that I would ever buy such things. Then my shoes were practical and in neutral colors. And the only tool I felt comfortable using was a screwdriver--and only in very limited ways.

Now I feel the freedom to express myself in new ways. To have a little fun with color and to quit being the mousy wallflower. So I have lots of vibrant hues in my closet--including shiny red and purple shoes.

Also I feel confident to tackle some projects that I've always been afraid to try. Like replacing my shower head (hence the pipe wrench), painting my walls with colors (including sponging a room with flamingo pink paint), and setting up a wireless router (with a little help from tech support). Next I'm going to tackle installing a new thermostat and learning how to mow.

Yesterday's sermon was about God's promise to Abraham that he would father a nation even though his wife Sarah's womb was barren, that is dead. God promised to bring the dead to life--and then did! But the amazing thing is that God continues to perform resurrections even today. I was in a dark , lifeless, and hopeless place much like Sarah's womb. Through God's transforming grace I was resurrected to a new and vibrant life full of purple shoes, pipe wrenches, and faith in God who brings the dead to life.

Hallelujah!

Resuming

It's been a while since I've made an entry here. Not sure why it's been so hard to write. I've had lots of things I wanted to write but I couldn't bring myself to sit down a put "pen to paper" or "font to screen".

But I've had a couple of people ask me when I'm going to write again. Very flattering to know that people want to read my ramblings. Also very intimidating--now I feel that I must write something profound to make it worth their while. Perhaps that's part of my reluctance to write. But I've decided to try to write again regularly and to write about whatever I feel like writing about.

So tonight topics is...drum roll... TOE SOCKS!

Over the holidays, I wore my Christmas toe socks. Besides being warm, they make my son laugh. He loves it when I wear them and wriggle my colorful toes. And it reminded me of some care free times in my youth.

When I was in college (the the '70's) toe socks were popular. Also during my college years I was very involved in the programs at the Wesley Foundation at Texas A&M. Every Sunday night there was a worship service in the chapel at Wesley (as we called it.) We would cram 100+ people in a small chapel that was designed to hold 50. And it was cramming. We filled the pews shoulder to shoulder (you tried to make sure you were sitting by people you really liked). When the pews were completely packed, then people would sit along the aisle. And we even had people sitting on the floor between the modesty rail of the first pew and pulpit/altar area. (Fire Marshall's nightmare; Evangelism Committee's dream)

So being clever and witty college students, me and some other young women decided it would be fun to wear our toe socks on Sunday night and to sit in the area in front of the pulpit. So we did. And we took our shoes off. And there we were -- this line of 1/2 dozen pairs of feet with brightly colored toe socks wriggling at the campus minister. Not sure how funny he found it (he did have a good sense of humor--the only way to survive with a bunch of energetic Aggies) but we thought it was hilarious.

I thought about that when I wore my socks last month. Thought about the silliness that we so willingly engaged in during that time. Nothing malicious; nothing embarrassing (or at least not too much); just fun to have fun. Just enough to counter the drudgery of classes & school work. Diversions to lift our spirits between tests & papers. Thought about the gaggle of friends and the community of faith that nurtured me during that time.

And I missed those days.

Wish I weren't so grown-up...

Wish I could be more carefree...

Wish I had someone to be silly with...

Wish I had that gaggle of friends and community of faith that allowed the freedom to be silly and spiritually deep.

Need friends with toe socks--at least figuratively if not literally.

Need a community of faith that allows toe socks--figuratively if not literally.

Anyone out there with toe socks? Will you be silly & spiritual with me?

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my birthday and it has been one of the best I've ever had.

One of the good things about having a birthday on New Year's Eve is that I can invite people over to celebrate but I can call it a New Year's Eve party and they don't have to know it's my birthday and then think they have to bring presents, etc. Instead they just show up for a regular party and we all have fun and I get what I what for my birthday--an evening with good friends and fellowship.

That's what I did today. Invited some people over. De-cluttered and cleaned my house (it looks great!). Cooked food I wanted--ham, sweet potatoes, broccoli slaw, Aunt Millie's rolls and topped it off with German chocolate cake (made from scratch, of course). Used my beautiful china (for the first time in the 28, almost 29, years that I've owned it I used all 12 place settings at once.) Enjoyed the company of good friends. Then we went to a uplifting Taize service.

What a wonderful way to celebrate the end of the year and my birthday! (And Judy's birthday too.)

Yes, this was one of the best birthdays ever!

Art--Inside & Out

Have you ever walked into a piece of art?

I have and it was an amazing experience.

Earlier this week I went to a new art exhibit on campus. One of the "pieces" entitled Room to Breathe was a large area of the gallery surrounded by ceiling-to-floor walls of bubble wrap with red and white carpet on the floor. The room was brightly lit and carpet had stylized design that seemed to be text.

Walking into the area felt strange at first. To be walking into the art. But the walls of clear plastic with pockets of air encased me and I felt my body relax. It was comforting.

For several days I thought about the experience. To walk into art. To be a part of it. Not on the outside looking at it but to go inside and become a part of it. Wow!

Today I went back. This time I sat down on the carpet and let the art absorb me. Let myself fuse with the piece. Contemplated how my taste in art has changed.

No longer do I need the ridged conventionality of two-dimensional art that is admired from the outside. Instead I crave the unpredictability of three-dimensional pieces that draw me into them--figuratively or literally. That require not intellectual understanding but instinctual awareness. Art that I often walk away from with my mind puzzled but my soul refreshed.

I plan to go back several times over the next few weeks that this exhibit is up and immerse myself in that bubble-wrapped cocoon of art.

Art in Emptiness

Last night I went to the Modern Art Museum for its monthly First Friday event. As I walked around the museum, it wasn't the stimulating artwork that resonated the most with me. It wasn't the melodious jazz trio. It wasn't the pleasant company of the friend who was with me. Although all of those were enjoyable and meaningful.

No, what resonated the most with me were the open, empty spaces.

The empty spaces of ...
...the smooth walls extending between the art.
...the warm wooden floors expanding between the walls.
...the open benches waiting for someone to sit on them.
...the expansive galleries soaring up to the high, high ceilings.

In those empty spaces, I found rest...
...from the busy week,
...rushing to do one thing than another,
...racing from one day to the next to start the frantic cycle again.

In those empty spaces, I found peace...
...from over stimulation,
...busyness,
...being pulled in many directions.

In those empty spaces, in that seemingly nothingness, I found art.

Art...

...calming my mind,

...relaxing my body,

...restoring my soul.

Why do we deep fry everything in Texas?

Apparently the newest dish at the 2008 State Fair of Texas is deep fried bacon.

Deep fried bacon?!
What's the point?

The Black-Eyed Pea Restaurant is pushing its deep fried avocado.

Deep fried avocado??
Why do that to such a tasty vegetable (or is it a fruit?)

We bread and deep fry everything--chicken, potatoes, okra, pickles, Snickers & Three Musketeers...and now bacon and avocados. Why?!

Is this a Texan craze or has the rest of the world gone mad and greasy too?

And now for something completely different....

I saw this sign in a store today at a check-out counter:

Register in Training

I cracked up and am still chuckling. I didn't know machines could be trained.

Rhythms and Balances

The rhythms of life keep us in balance. If we get out of sync with the rhythms of creation then we become out of kilter--out of balance.

And we must balance the rhythms, keep them going, or we become dissonant.

The rhythms of creation follow one another in a harmonious round.

Spring, summer, fall, winter, spring, summer, fall, winter...

Day, night, day, night...

Rain, sunshine, rain, sunshine...

Growth, dormancy, growth, dormancy....

Life, death, life, death...

And the same rhythms and balances work in our lives. As we move through the cycles we must keep them in balance--not too much, not too little. And we must have each phase of the cycle to feed the next stage--to keep the rhythm going.

Inhaling, exhaling, inhaling, exhaling...

Work, rest, work, rest....

Companionship, solitude, companionship, solitude...

Study, contemplation, study, contemplation...

Giving, receiving, giving, receiving...

Worship, service, worship, service...

Praise, supplication, praise, supplication...

And through all the rhythms and balances of life is the Creator God--

Transcendent, immanent, transcendent, immanent...

Bread of Life in Abundance

Each Sunday morning my son and I attend an early morning worship service (8:30 a.m.!) We love it for numerous reasons and both of us look forward to it and hate to miss it. And that's pretty amazing considering that he is 12 years old and enjoys sleeping in when he can.

One of the most meaning parts of the service is the weekly communion. Every week there is a fresh loaf of bread that is broken apart and chucks are given to each person to dip into a cup of wine (well, grape juice--we are Methodist after all.)

And we get big chunks of bread. Not little pieces. Big chunks of fresh bread. Not those thin, tiny, tasteless wafers that we had when I was a child. And we get it weekly. Not monthly or quarterly like in many Methodist worship services (including the other services at my church.)

Big chunks of bread that fill my mouth and remind me of the abundance of God. Remind me that God will provide more than enough.

The first time I helped serve communion I gave out little pieces because that's what I was used to in other worship services I had attended. The minister standing beside me whispered gently "Give bigger pieces. There is enough."

And he was right. Give bigger pieces. There is enough of God and Christ to share in abundance with others. Why hoard it and have half the loaf left over at the end? Give it all away. Show the people God's abundance offered through Christ. There will be more next week. We don't have to hoard God as we so often do. Give the wonderful news of God's loving abundance to the world and give it completely.

So now when I help, I give out big pieces of Christ. I try to give away all the Bread of Life that I have in my hands. And I feel the spirit of love flowing through me and out to my fellow worshipers. I pray that each will get all they need to get through the week. Because there will be another fresh, wonderful loaf next week. Because God sent Jesus, the Bread of Life, so that we have Life and have it abundantly.

The Mystery of Lectio Divina

Over the past year I have attended regularly two groups that practice Lectio Divina--Holy Reading. I am always amazed at the power of this ancient spiritual practice. Although we usually read scriptural passages that are very familiar, the insights that arise from them are fresh and inspiring.

How can such familiar words take on new and invigorating meanings? How can a each person latch on to a different word or phrase, glean something vastly different from it, and yet as we share somehow there is a unifying theme and revelation that emerges? How can it be such an individual experience, each person relating to the scriptures differently and hearing a very personalized message, yet it is also a corporate experience, the group as a whole experiences the Holy together?

Ah, that is the Mystery of Lectio Divina. The Mystery that makes the scriptures not static and unchanging but dynamic and alive. The Mystery of the One enigmatically self-named "I Am Who I Am."

A Mystery that I don't fully understand but I treasure and savor the experience month after month.

Random Musings

Zipper cream peas, Paco's cantaloupes and Parker County peaches!! Summer's bounty! Purple hulled peas, fresh tomatoes, watermelon. Crowder peas, fresh figs, Bing cherries, plums, zucchini, yellow squash, sweet potatoes. Ah the sweet taste of them all makes up for the oppressive heat of summer.

Why, in a state that the pundits have already ceded to John McCain in November and still has numerous vehicles with "W '04" plastered on them, do I see only "Obama 08" bumper stickers and nary a McCain one in sight? Is it because I live in an ethnically diverse neighborhood and work at a large university or is this phenomena more wide-spread?

Recently the Pentagon announced that by 2018 they would stop using the current style of cluster bombs and using only ones that went inert if they didn't explode on impact. Why wait 10 years? Or even better, why not just stop using bombs--cluster or otherwise--right now?

One in 50 homes in North Texas is in foreclosure. How sad. I'm reminded daily of this because a house across the street from me is one of them.

Starbucks has finally reached the point of saturation and is having to close stores. I wondered how they could have a storefront on every corner. I guess they couldn't.

Do buildings suffer from delusions of grandeur? There is a nice sturdy two-storey building that I pass by daily. It is barely taller than the apartment complex next door yet it calls itself the Alta Mesa Tower. It makes me smile when I see it. On second thought, perhaps it's not suffering from delusions but has a healthy self-image and is gently poking fun at itself with it's name.

Wonderful posting on Theolog using the story of Jesus' feeding of the 5000 to remind us--i.e. me!--not to fall into the earthly trap of believing that scarcity is the norm but to live believing and knowing God's abundance. How different life would be if I lived like I believed that.

Green is the color of Grace

Today with the help of my wonderful friend Pamela, I painted my living room a beautiful green. Green--the color of the current liturgical season Ordinary Time. A color that symbolizes growth. And what an appropriate color for me to start with in my new life of growth. Growing in the willingness to take a chance (and putting green on the walls of the biggest room in my house was a little scary for me.) Growing in the willingness to take help from a friend (and getting to know her much better by doing so). Growing in the willingness to try new things (and now I know how to paint or at least am not afraid to try it again.) Thanks so much Pamela!

Then tonight my "group" discussed grace. My body was full of feelings but I couldn't find the words to express them at that time. How do I experience God's grace? I experience it in feeling accepted by God and others (like my wonderful "group".) That acceptance that let's me be me. It is more than just tolerating me but actually liking and loving me for who I am and not asking me to change--to be a different person. Instead they encourage me to grow and to become a fulfillment of God's creative intent. And out of that acceptance and love from God and others acting for God, I've been free to change my life in dramatic ways. I experience God's grace in the peace that I feel as I face the unknown. And there are many unknowns in my life right now. Just a year ago, I would be paralyzed with fear and anxiety in facing these unknowns. But now although I have those moments of concern wondering what the future holds, mostly I feel a deep assurance that things will be fine--because of God's grace. I experience God's grace in my new zest for living, in the hope of the future, in the beauty of nature, in the love of friends, in the laughter of my child, in the wonderfulness of creation and -- in the color green!

Free to ...

After much agonizing and hesitation over what to name this blog, I finally went with the name that first popped into my head : Light and Free. Two words that have much depth and meaning to me. Words that describe the life I'm living and the life I hope to live. Words that I want to explore and examine. Words that I will continue to come back to over time.

My first post has to do with "Light". Tonight it is "Free".


Free to...
.
... write a blog. Writing my personal thoughts and feeling is a new experience for me. Something I never did and never thought I'd want to do. But a few years ago, I began journaling as a part of meditation. Then I began sharing thoughts, feelings, theology, and observations with friends in e-mails. I found the process of writing to be therapeutic, clarifying and, surprisingly, enjoyable. And the response was positive. So now I'm blogging.


...to put color on the walls. For so many years I've lived with white walls. Safe yet predictable. Unoffensive yet inexpressive. Cool yet cold. Now I want color! Something that expresses my personality. Something that is warm and pleasing. Green! Rose! Yellow! And after I color my walls, I hope I can live a life of color that in not predictable, inexpressive or cold. But a life free to seize opportunities, free to express myself, free to be warm and loving.

...free to champion social justice. No longer can I ignore the rest of the world. No longer can I assume that I have no responsibility to the needs of other people. No longer can I believe that the point of being a Christian is to gain a heavenly afterlife. No, the point is to actively bring heaven to earth--here and now. And that is done by seeking to improve the world, to feed the hungry, to shelter the homeless, to help the helpless. And to that end, I must freely give of my time, my talents, my gifts (money) and my prayers to serving others and to bringing justice to the world.

...free to openly be a follower of Christ. All my life I have thought of myself as a Christian. Most of my life I've attended church regularly. But I haven't always acted as a Christian. I haven't always acknowledged that I am a Christian. I haven't always been as countercultural as Jesus was. But now I feel more free to try to act more Christ-like, more free to talk about my faith, more free to be ignore cultural expectations, more free to live a life that blesses and honors God.

...free to be Ava Nell!

Light, Glorious Light

Light--natural light. How glorious and life giving it is.

My new house has windows in every room. Windows that open wide to the world and let the light shine in. Windows that open wide to the world and let me see out.

At first I only appreciated the light coming into my life. I basked in it warmth, enthralled by its shimmering glow as it danced across the room, enchanted with how it revived my spirit, and dreading the setting sun and the necessity of turning on the artificial light.

Then I began to see the world outside. The squirrel that scampers in the trees finding nuts to eat. The birds flitting about from tree to tree. The neighbors cute little dog with its red bandanna romping across the yard. The open expanse of green grass and towering trees unbroken by privacy fences so that I can see into my neighbors' yards. Thus I'm aware of the world outside my own private house. The world full of life and possibilities.

The windows that let in the life giving sunlight also let me see out and know that I'm part of a larger world. And I think of God--the Light of the World. As my spirit absorbs and grows in that Light, I am more connected to creation, more aware of my place in the world, more willing to reach out to others, more fully alive. A window has opened in me that lets the life-giving Light into my soul and then lets me see the world in a new and wonderful way.

Praise God for windows!